I've used this blog as a way to express myself, it's working.
Today I realized just how fucking sad and miserable I really am. It scares the hell out of me.
There's no doubt about the fact that I'm depressed, but the gut twisting, painful sorrow I had today leaves me wondering if I had a breakdown, or a breakthrough? Something has to give, to change, release me and rebuild me.
I know it's going to have to start WITH Me... but I can't do it without some sort of hope.
My husband is in the kitchen cleaning up Supper, I cooked it, but I didn't even eat with them.
I'm just not here. I can't stand being in my own skin today.
Yes, I need help, but that's the most fucked up part... I just don't care anymore. I have already given up. I try to talk to myself the way I would counsel a friend, or the people who contact me from my Lupus groups. I am pretty good at helping everyone else, but not myself.
I wish there were a way to express the heaviness of my very soul, and the daily battle I fight.
No, I would never kill myself, nor would I ever cause harm intentionally to ANYONE, but I feel like I'm already dead inside.
I'm sure a whole lot of this is because of losing Melissa, but mostly because I've lost myself to Lupus, this move, no job, no money.
My husband used to REALLY love me. He did romantic things, would bring me flowers, thoughtful things... he doesn't look at me the same way, how could he? If I don't believe in me, how can he?
So here I am, drowning. One person in a vast sea of bullshit, believing that that someone somehow will throw me a rope... NOPE.
Truth is, the only one who can save me is ME.
The sharks below, and the choppy waves are daunting, but I have some kids waiting for me on the distant shore. Maybe, just maybe I can make it there, I'm going to try.
Today I realized just how fucking sad and miserable I really am. It scares the hell out of me.
There's no doubt about the fact that I'm depressed, but the gut twisting, painful sorrow I had today leaves me wondering if I had a breakdown, or a breakthrough? Something has to give, to change, release me and rebuild me.
I know it's going to have to start WITH Me... but I can't do it without some sort of hope.
My husband is in the kitchen cleaning up Supper, I cooked it, but I didn't even eat with them.
I'm just not here. I can't stand being in my own skin today.
Yes, I need help, but that's the most fucked up part... I just don't care anymore. I have already given up. I try to talk to myself the way I would counsel a friend, or the people who contact me from my Lupus groups. I am pretty good at helping everyone else, but not myself.
I wish there were a way to express the heaviness of my very soul, and the daily battle I fight.
No, I would never kill myself, nor would I ever cause harm intentionally to ANYONE, but I feel like I'm already dead inside.
I'm sure a whole lot of this is because of losing Melissa, but mostly because I've lost myself to Lupus, this move, no job, no money.
My husband used to REALLY love me. He did romantic things, would bring me flowers, thoughtful things... he doesn't look at me the same way, how could he? If I don't believe in me, how can he?
So here I am, drowning. One person in a vast sea of bullshit, believing that that someone somehow will throw me a rope... NOPE.
Truth is, the only one who can save me is ME.
The sharks below, and the choppy waves are daunting, but I have some kids waiting for me on the distant shore. Maybe, just maybe I can make it there, I'm going to try.