Holy SHiT WEBLY!
I needed you, and you have completely fucked me. I will find another way to express and deal.
I needed you, and you have completely fucked me. I will find another way to express and deal.
Frogporn |
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Holy SHiT WEBLY!
I needed you, and you have completely fucked me. I will find another way to express and deal.
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I sometimes have lots to say, things to consider, complain about, be angry with. WE lost someone on New Years Eve, so Incredibly Fun, Vibrant, Amazing. I am so incredibly PISSED OFF about it.
WHY? I know God has a reason and a plan... but SERIOUSLY? ! What the FUCK?! Nothing makes sense to me anymore, I want to just let it go, but I can't. Mellissa was everything that I wish I could be. Professional, rational, educated, smart... etc... Cancer doesn't discriminate, it just kills you. Fuck Cancer, Fuck Lupus, and SUPERFUCK the reason I am posting this. It's the same fairy house we built in New Jersey when she was 10. The movers destroyed it to a pile of rubble. It was beyond repair and looked as heartbroken as we were . So it sat in a box in the corner of the garage, a corner of our previous life and a constant reminder of what needed to be fixed and restored. As I busied myself with arranging my blankets, pillows, worries, distractions, and... thoughts, about how to continue on with my day and my life,...SHE went downstairs. (Keep in mind, that she NEVER GOES DOWNSTAIRS ALONE!) I came out of the Bedroom, (somewhat sad and defeated myself) walked down the hallway and past the laundry residing in my living room,
ON my way to ask her, YET AGAIN, to please unload the dishwasher! (She has ONE CHORE FOR PETES SAKE!!) There she was, restoring what WE had made, elevating it and improving on it. She went beyond the confines of the box from before, and searched NOW for what she needed, in the yard the house and herself. She Became. We fought that night, about stupid things, but I will never forget that she has the ability to restore. Seriously? one interruption and *POOF...IT WAS a good post...(Tapps via bugle off key)...Shit.
My lover wakes with Disney bluebirds and a far too Chipper gusto for all of the things sunrise may bring ( usually )♡ Perhaps age has mellowed this annoyance, perchance I have ruined it. I have always been a 2nd half player. I wake UP around 4ish(pm) regardless of the ACTUAL hour. I'm forced to become cognizant of School... appointments... and other such drivel. I tend to avoid these. I've spent most of my life earning a living by being attuned to the night. 6pm till 6am in a truckstop cafe. 4pm till 3am Bartending and then coming home just in time to get up with a fussy baby and sing a series of lullabys. My babies are no longer babies, and I no longer work those shifts...however I can't shake it. I revel in my moonlight. I breathe in the night like it's a life giving essence. There's very little chance of a call, a disaster or distraction. I don't HAVE to DO anything or BE anyone. I Am. I breathe it in. Bathe in the luxuriousness and absolute naughtiness of it. I Am. I carry on conversations with myself ( sometimes good, sometimes not) AND I actually listen. I stop being lonely for a moment. Music means more within the 3 am delirium because it's MY music... My daily issues fade away and for a little while... I AM. I AM not important, imperfect, broken or unbroken. I become simple and dive Within I AM. 9-11
I awoke that day, to a call from my Husband who was at work just outside of the PHL. He asked if I had seen the news. I hadn't even gotten myself out of breastfeeding mode, let alone be concerned about life outside of poop, feeding, and survival in a foreign environment. I actually laughed at first...what sort of Dumb Ass would actually accidentally fly a plane into a building?! I was amazed at the absolute stupidity of a pilot not realizing that there is a HUGE building looming before him. I thought it was a small JFK type thing. My infant daughter awoke, so I gathered her into my arms and offered her my breast. My Baby...my promise to this world that I still had HOPE. As she suckled and became satiated, the awful truth unfolded before me. This BEAUTIFUL CHILD will never know what it is to be safe. I grew up on Westerns, Feel Good Sitcoms, Cartoons, Boy Bands, and AMERICANA. FUCK! I was literally in the kill Zone. NYC DC ... was Philly next? I'm on the phone BEGGING my husband to just COME HOME! (There is a bridge between us. You can get into Jersey free...but you've got to pay to leave!) I had visited my Father a few times on Long Island. NOTHING had prepared me for THIS! HE said that he couldn't leave the office, because he was too new. I broke that day as I sobbed over my baby's soft downy hair. She will not know life before 9-11. None of my children really will, and now I have 2 that serve our Country proudly. I will NEVER FORGET THAT DAY. My son ended up fighting in this war. He survived the Sandbox, the Korengal...we ALL have scars on our souls. I made a list of my Demons and my Blessings.
the demons took up #20. Blessings went to # 55. This is the crazy. I could have easily weighed more heavily on the bad. I chose to look more closely at the beauty of my life. Trust me...that's not easy. I made a choice. I want to see things the way I used to. Through the absolute worst of my life I had somehow kept a sense of purpose and hope. I'm not sure how or when I LOST it. It feels like losing your mind! All that I was ,and all that I wanted to be got sucked into who I SHOULD be. PROPERTY and PROPRIETY. I wish I could rewind. The things we chased are cinders. What we COULD HAVE BEEN is lost in our once upon a time. We will suffer for it. My mind shows us crawling towards each other across a battlefield if only to touch one last time. Proper behavior has shot us in the back. My last breath will say I Love You. Hey YOU...
The one who loves to peruse the crazy of everyone else. Leave a fucking comment. Make sure it's nice and not creepy. Peace. Seriously not funny true story... I wrote PAGES...and then deleted them. sometimes the purge is the point. If you want to put it into the Cosmos...cool. If not, delete. I am just like you, a container of impossible contradictions. The enormity of pain mingled with gratitude and all the related tag alongs create storms within us.
At times and without even knowing, that perfect storm forms within... coalescing into a beautiful balance that creates a harmony apparent to oneself as well as those around us. At other times, those storms rage and fight filling us with confusion anxiety and aimless emotion, becoming both explosive and implosive all at once...robbing any sense of hope or direction from our very Soul. I have experienced both but have yet to discover the magic ingredients needed to change devistation into a beautiful balance. What kind of storm are you brewing today? |